Empty Tear Ducts, Full Promises

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Today is Elena’s last first day of preschool and Olivia’s first first day of preschool.  It’s a big day.  This is different from the past two years when Elena went off to school for a few reasons.

This is the first time I have sent a non-allergic child to preschool.  It’s incredibly different.  When she got out of the car, I didn’t feel panic that it might be the last time I see her.  I didn’t worry about what the other children in her class might bring in or might have eaten for breakfast.  I know that, even if things don’t go perfectly for her today, Olivia will be safe.  That’s not to say it’s easy to let her go or that I don’t have any concerns for her.  I really hope she has fun, and makes friends, and makes it to the potty every single time.  If not, though, I know she will have another chance.

With all of the recent news of children losing their lives to food allergies lately, this year was the toughest for me.  Last night I was restless.  I have always promised Elena I would keep her safe, but this year that’s not enough.  I have a few more promises I need to make.  Elena, I promise not to let you see my fear as I drive you to school this morning.  I promise to get all of my tears out when you’re not around, so you don’t have to wonder what might be causing them.  I promise I will be strong and brave and I will not let my fears prevent you from living.

When every bite of food your child takes could take her life, it is terrifying to know she will be eating when you’re not around.  Even though I have checked and packaged all of her food myself, I won’t be able to breathe easy until I see her face at pick up.  I will smile and try not to hug her too tightly.  I will act like it was a normal day.  I will pretend like I enjoyed my break while the girls were at school.  Mostly, I will say a prayer of thanks that she is back under my watch.

I have many prayers of thanks for this day.  I thank God that Elena doesn’t seem crippled with the fears that are eating me alive.  I thank God for the brave parents,  like Natalie Giorgi’s mom and dad, who use their own loss to bring light to the subject and make all of our children safer.  I thank God for the wonderful and loving teachers and director at Elena’s school who “get it”.  I thank God that He gave me such a wonderful partner to navigate these challenges with.  My husband is strong when I’m weak and he is able to help me avoid making emotional decisions against my better judgement.  Finally, I thank God for the strength to let her go and live that life He gave her.

Since I was up all night getting my tears and fears out anyway, I put together this video.  Get a tissue.  You have been warned…

Here are a few helpful resources if you’re sending your child to school this year with Anaphylactic Food Allergies…

Get Schooled In Anaphylaxis

FARE Food Allergy Action Plan

Top 8 Food Allergies (and how to eat around them)

Lunch Ideas (egg, dairy, peanut, tree nut free)

We rocked out the night before school started to Kyle Dine‘s CD’s.  They’re really fantastic for getting the kids thinking and asking questions.  I also like sharing these songs with our non-allergic friends.

Please post in the comments if you have resources that helped you with the task of sending your allergic children off to school.  Most of the best resources I have found in this journey have come from other mothers.

Mother’s Day is Not for Sissies

Mothers Day is so much better when you’re the mother.  I know that sounds shallow and selfish, but it’s not just for the obvious reasons.  As a mother, you can finally understand what all your own mother went through.  More accurately, what you put her through.  You can finally appreciate what it was like for her to have to cook your dinner every single night and to read all of those books to you over and over again and to pretend like your singing was the most wonderful sound she had ever heard.  Celebrating my own mother took on a whole new meaning after I became a mother myself.  I have an appreciation for her that I could not have had before I lived it.  I hope I can do this most important job half as well as she was able to.

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Having said that, Mother’s Day is also bittersweet.  My first Mother’s Day as a mother was wonderful and exciting and I really felt special.  It was nice knowing the day could be all about me and I was allowed to be a little selfish.  My second Mother’s Day, however, was not so wonderful.  We made the weekend all about me and Elena ended up having her first and worst allergic reaction to this day.  (Get the full story here… https://allergenmenumom.com/2011/09/19/happy-mothers-day-this-is-your-wake-up-call/)

I’m not exactly sure what happened that day.  We let our guard down a little, trusted the server without digging deeper, tried to pretend like we were a normal family who could just go and eat out anywhere, and we had very little experience to rely on to get us through.  We failed to use appropriate restaurant precautions, which we really didn’t even understand at that point.  We failed to recognize the signs of anaphylaxis.  We hesitated to use the Epipen when we should have since there was an ER only 3 minutes away, which still nauseates me every time I think about what could have happened.  We basically did everything wrong.

On my second Mother’s Day, Elena could have been taken from me by a simple dinner in a cafe.  I was still fairly new to motherhood and very new to food allergies.  I know how lucky we were to walk away with only one night in the ER and a few days on a steroid.

Of course, I still want to be selfish on Mother’s Day.  I still want to be pampered and get a break from the cooking and cleaning.  I want my kids to be good all day just because they want to.  Better yet, I want them to be having loads of fun somewhere with their Daddy where I am not.  I want to have a day off from the stress and chaos of being a stay at home mom.  I want a day that resembles what Dad’s get on Father’s Day, or as I like to call it…”every day of the week”.  (Sorry, Justin.  I couldn’t resist.)

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Good luck, Daddio!!!

Will I get it?  Probably not.  That’s ok, though, because I know I am so incredibly lucky to be celebrating Mother’s Day with my three beautiful babies.  They are the absolute loves of my life and they are worth every ounce of chaos that we live in.  I will take the jumping and screaming and having lunch out with kids who melt down on Mother’s Day just like any other day.  I will smile and pretend to enjoy the girls screaming made up “Happy Mother’s Day” songs from the back of car, as if the random screeches are not starting to give me a headache and make my face twitch.  I’ll try, against all reason, to get a good photo of myself with the kids to commemorate the holiday.  Someday I will be wishing they were all right here with me for every second of this day, rather than wanting to spend a day by myself, enjoying the peace and quiet.  It won’t be today.  Probably not next year either.  Someday though.

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Chaos? What chaos? This is completely normal.